Monthly Archives: April 2014

“Help!! My BFF is a married woman” by @wildeyeq #NHBi Review S4W10

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As far as relationships go, nothing beats experience. The sum total of who we are is made up from the experiences we have had. This week on No Holds Barred Interactive we had Edward Isreal-Ayide, @wildeyeq talking very personally from his experience on the topic ‘Help, my BFF is a Married Woman.’

Welcome to this weeks review of the show.

Let’s hear Edward’s story:

“You see I have a BFF that I’ve always loved, in fact I wanted to go out with her and possibly marry her at a time. But you know what they say about life happening when you are busy making other plans; I ended up going out with her friend. Don’t log out yet and start a war, it’s absolutely nothing like what you are thinking. We were all best buds, the 3 of us. I was a big brother of sorts to both of them, (I brotherzoned myself so don’t snicker) but I sort of liked Cynthia more. She was the firebrand, the independent Igbo girl who was bent on proving to a male dominated world that she was good enough. Chi was more of a quietly determined lady. She could zero in on a cause and see it till the end without breaking a sweat. Cynthia knew how to take advantage of the soft spot I had for her, and yes I allowed her. Friends thought we’d end up together. As life would have it, I ended up with Chi and we had a
most remarkable 5 years relationship. Through it all and afterwards, Chi and I both had Cynthia as an umpire of sorts. She was the voice of reason and a solace. But something had happened when I was going out with
Chi, I was still Cynthia’s BFF but she was no longer mine. I’ve never been one to share affections equally when
dealing with women. So I froze Cynthia out. I told myself it was for the best, that no woman would thrive in a relationship knowing how deeply I treasured Cynthia. Cynthia took it quite well, she moved on. Got into a
relationship and eventually got married. Or at least that’s what I thought. I felt I free. In many ways, I had felt responsible for Cynthia and I suddenly felt free from that. That wasn’t the case however, what I did not know was that, for the past 8 years, I had been hurting a poor girl. She missed the companionship and all we shared, and had decided that maybe steeling herself to the
effects would make it go away. Well, one day out of the blues, she sends me a message on BBM. From her tone she was angry and really hurt.
She asked why I was not present at her wedding (I was working) why I wasn’t at her daughter’s naming (I
was stupid). Truth is, after she got married, though we remained
friends, I had maintained a very far distance from her. Though I knew the husband from way before they
started dating, I loved my big head so much and didn’t. And that was hurting her. She told me she had made her husband aware of how much I meant to her, as well as their families. In her words; she had build a home and made me a part of it, and I had gone on with a life without a place for her. See, I had no plan to lose that friend. She’s one of the
best a man can have, that kinda girl who’d fuss, whine, nag but always cares. But I don’t know how a man who would take his wife having a male BFF. I think I would be cool with it. I
think, But another man? Honestly, I too miss having her in my life, but I fear that I might affect her marriage. So I “lean back”. I don’t know if there are any moral or marital conventions that say a woman can not have a close friend of the opposite sex. But while I might say “sod it! I don’t care” would her
partner feel the same way? Would trust issues begin in their marriage? Would it be right to selfish cling on to a friendship that would make another lose a home she has built?
I told myself true friendship requires sacrifice, and I was willing to sacrifice my own wishes to make her
happy. But she is not happy. She sees me as the only friend she can open all of her innermost parts to apart from
her hubby. But I am not willing to play ball. I keep her at arm’s
length. A call occasionally, chats; that’s about it. I have had instances where a friend’s wife tried to
make a pass at me, so I am not so sure marriage would make a man feel secure. Definitely not when there’s another “man” in your wife’s life. Maybe I’m just being a coward you might think, but I can speak for myself. I don’t know what the other
man is thinking. I have told myself it’s good to be BFFs from afar.
But I know she hurts knowing I’m not that accessible. But the fact is, she’s married and I do not want to
joke with that for any reason. So children of God and my detractors, that’s my personal pot of ogbono soup.”

Amazing stuff.

What we can learn from Edward’s story can be surmised in these few words. RESPECT BOUNDARIES. But it still can’t describe the electric charged atmosphere on the night. Here are some of the tweets that came in. What are your thoughts however? Do share with us, and join again next week for another interesting episode.

Pregnant Women and Work-Family Balance by @gbemisoke #NHBi Review S4W9

Review,

Multi-tasking is so cool, when all at the same time you are chatting with your friends on the phone, watching your favourite sit-com on TV, micro-waving some quick fix meal, and with your books spread out in front of you, that is your assignment you are trying to do. Easy stuff, hey, you do this all the time. Right?

Real world.

You are 29. Pregnant with the second child. The first is in kindergarten. And thankfully your Poppa sent you to school so you aren’t some run off the mill housewife, and no you won’t sit at home for some cheap allowance from husby, yes, yes, you’ve got to work.

But then with all this, creating something is necessary, indeed very paramount. That something is – Balance.

Welcome to this weeks review of #NHBi.

This week on the show we were talking ‘Pregnant Women and Family-Work Balance.’

We had as guest @Gbemisoke speaking on the topic.

Our guest was of the opinion that the Family-Work balance is one that many women aspire to but never really attain it. And then while many might retort that they know women who have it all, great family, wonderful career and all the other accomplishments to go with, what these people think they know is actually from afar and have no idea the realities that these women deal with everyday.

So if a pregnant women is striving for this ‘elusive’ family work balance what exactly is she to do? Our guest says she has several options.

“One. Be angry. Stay angry. Insist the whole arrangement is unfair and decide to be the exception to the rule. Or, two.  Make deliberate choices about which opportunities to pursue and which ones to give up.”

Life is about choices, @Gbemisoke says, when you make a choices you invariably give up something. When you do not make a choice, one way or another it gets made for you.

And then some rhetoric. “Is it fair that a (pregnant) woman has to make choices that men don’t have to worry about?”

“Can you have it all? Yes. Can you have it all? No. Why? The definition of ‘all’ varies from person to person. Decide what your “all” is. Successful people have learned to define what success means to them. Be deliberate about you choices. Don’t let anyone
guilt trip you into thinking your choices are poor because they differ from theirs. If you choose to give up work because you think caring for your kids is more important, think about what you have to give up. And if you choose to give up caring for your kids because you think caring work is more important, think about what you have to give up.”

Balancing is a tough thing to achieve. And not just in the Family-Work circle. After the first or the second time, a pregnant woman might get adept at maintaining this balance. Experience has to count for something at some point. Some of the things to consider when trying to achieve this balance might be staying healthy for yourself and the baby. Work needs you, family needs you, and so does the life growing inside you. But then, you won’t function in your capacity in these areas if you aren’t fit and healthy. So yes, becoming ‘selfish’ is totally allowed. For a pregnant woman, the sensitivity of people around her has to increase by some 3-fold. But then we are back to choices because when you feel you can handle the pressure and don’t give yourself some measure of breathing space, none would be given to you. So you have to PUT YOURSELF FIRST.



Secondly, ASK FOR HELP. When you are pregnant, you have half of your strength. Ok, I’m no womens health expert, but with pregnant women, that is what it pretty much seems like. So going about doing the things the way you used to would only wear you out. Don’t be afraid or too proud to ask for help. Focus. Remember the goal is to achieve balance, handle family and work at the same time, while being pregnant successfully. So whether in your work place, or at home, ask for help. From the intern, the janitor, the secretary, your colleagues, the husband, his brother who came over for holidays, your parents. Ask for help. Who wouldn’t want to lend a hand when you ask nicely.

DO NOT PROCRASTINATE. This only leaves a pile of more work for you to do. Clear your table as soon as you can and move on to the next task, whether at home or at work. This way there is no conflict between awaiting assignments to be completed and chores to be done. Your mind stays unclogged, there is less pressure and balance doesn’t seem too elusive now.

What tips do you have on attaining Family-Work balance for the pregnant woman? Be kind enough to share.

That’s it for this week on #NHBi. Join us again next week for another interesting episode. Bye bye now. Have a great week.

Social Media Relationships: Do They Work by @Batarhe #NHBiReview S4W8

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After an unscheduled one week break, #NHBi returned to the timeline this week and it was sheer joy and a relief felt by everyone on its return.

This week on the show the topic was ‘Social Media Relationships: Do They Work?’ And we had as guest Foghi Batarhe, @Batarhe talking on the show. Batarhe started off by saying he isn’t by any means a relationship expert and described himself as a ‘normal tweep.’ You see that’s what guests say when they do not want to be charged to ‘Twitter Court’ in the future. Moving on however, Batarhe quotes a research on online dating that says “Internet couples tend to be a better fit than those who meet by more traditional means…”

Batarhe goes on to cite the example of the chat app 2go that has an estimated 9 million subscribers alone in Nigeria saying “…here’s the catch,if we have this huge number of
folks with access to the internet it follows that it becomes a good meeting place.”

He also talks briefly of someone he knew while growing up who met his American wife via “good, old Yahoo Messenger”. And yes they are indeed happily married.

ASL?

But then what are the initial expectations? Batarhe says its important we know this, because not all relationships would lead to the altar, whether you met via social media or not.

“Personally before you say something is a success or otherwise you have to first understand the initial expectations. Because not all relationships will lead to the altar. So if one’s expectations were just to have sex. If I achieved that, it’s success.”

Wait, did I mention that Batarhe met his wife on Twitter?

“So a few years ago when I joined Twitter, I didn’t have the wildest expectation that I’d meet my Lovely wife on here. I joined Twitter out of curiosity just to prove to my dear friend Troy that Facebook was way cooler. I’d been here a year or so when this bright sunny day this interesting handle floated into my horizon. I’d noticed that a lot of my friends were always engaging her on twitter, so naturally me too I joined her follower base. I kinda enjoyed her tweets, not like I had any P setting motives at the time. She too had followed back. One particular tweet almost spoilt it before it even began. She’d been watching and tweeting Fareed Zakaria’s GPS. So me and my silly mouth felt like we’d been friendly so I tweeted ‘hmm, shouldn’t you be watching Keeping up with the Kards’. That singular tweet spoilt plenty things. But in time we had become tweet buddies again. Still no P set yet. After a couple of months of observing, scoping her TL and all we moved to DMs… Until one day she sent me her BBM pin. We had interesting convos, I asked for her mobile because I needed to put a voice to the personality. Now, mind you I’d been single for a year as my heart had been split open by my long time ex, I just wanted to be alone.”

Quick question. When you meet someone online, and you really like them and want to take it offline, how soon should you do that? Again, there are so specifics or set in stone rules. Too quick and you might ruin it, too late and you still might. And there is the danger of meeting a psycho. So in all things there is the need to be security conscious.

Batarhe was telling us a story.

“So I quickly set about making that right,  I quickly booked a plane ticket and flew across a few states to meet up in person. I know it’s important to meet up as soon as possible, otherwise it’d remain a phantom relationship. So I flew down to meet with her. Seeing her in person I just knew right there at the airport that boy you gotta marry this diamond. Today we are happily married with a beautiful daughter as my Avi can tell.”

And the ladies broke into “awwwwwwn”

“Have we had our own wahalas? Of course.. But then again even relationships started from more traditional means do have them.
So ladies and gentlemen if you’re eyeing that babe or dude, better set that P now oh or forever hold your peace. After all,we spend so much of our time on social network sites (Twitter,Facebook, 2go,even Hi5) naturally we’re bound to get involved. So I am a living testimony that Social Media Relationships (once taken to the next level) do work.”

Humanity has come a long way from Adam proclaiming to Eve, ‘you are the bones of my bones and the flesh of my flesh.’ And every tool man has invented has been to make doing things a lot more easier as our civilisation progresses. Social Media Relationships do work, as Batarhe’s story shows, and its not only him. There are hundreds of couples out there who first met on Twitter. And it isn’t only just Twitter. Facebook, Hi5, 2go, Eskimi and what have you, including dating sites where from the onset you are clearly on them to look for a partner. People’s sceptism are naturally drawn from traditionalism, some keep their involvement or stories secret because friends might laugh at them saying ‘You dey love person wey you never see? Na just voice you dey trip for? What if na cripple?’ So of course, know exactly who you are dealing with before putting your heart in and then take it offline as soon as you can. But then before Social Media there were Pen Pals/Letters, and as the world continues to evolve we would do things even less traditionally than before. And like someone said maybe even one day we might have an online wedding. Didn’t we only have an online proposal last week? You may now click the bride.