#NHBI Opinion: When Parents Say No via @Sen8torBalo #NHBi #S3W7

The thing about the show on #NHBi is that after every episode I’m left thinking what more interesting topic could the host come up with next week. Sometimes, it seems like everything has been talked about, what more could possibly be explored. And to think that we are in the third season, and this week only the 7^th episode, so there is still another 7 more weeks of fun, learning and interaction to look forward to on the show. Welcome guys, to another review of #NHBi. We know how dreary your lives can get and how much you look forward to the next episode just after one is being concluded. I’m I right or I’m I right?

This week on the show we had Isaac Oraweme, @Sen8torBalo as our guest and the topic up for discussion was ‘When Parents say No…to your choice of partner.’

Isaac got off by introducing himself as a student of Public Health at Northeastern University Boston, MA, and an importer of high end cars into Nigeria. Ok, so he isn’t a counselor of any sort, but he was going to be speaking based on personal experiences and what life has taught him so far.  Isaac noted how when a relationship appears to be casual, there are no issues, but once there is talk of marriage, opposition comes from all angles the moment family, friends and neighbours et all deem the union to be sacrilegious. He says: ‘Sad that a lot of beautiful relationships met an untimely death because of tribal & or religious differences between the dating couple.’

Isaac opines that in Nigeria, the assumption that men and women of marriageable age belong to themselves is not always true, or that the notion that only the consent of the intending couple is required for the marriage to take place is a lie as the most cultures stipulate that a woman is the ‘property’ of the most senior male in the household and it is he who gives her away in marriage, hence his consent is most certainly required.

Be that as it may, he goes on to stress that a lot of couples have drawn the ire of parents and relatives for getting married without the consent of their parents. But then he drops an important point to note ‘…but if you are being pressured into breaking up with whom you’re dating due to tribal differences or any reason. Don’t give in.’

He went on to give the story of a friend, a Yoruba, who was dating an Ibo whom his mother strongly objected against. The opposition to the relationship ended in a bitter break up and the girl’s family ended up sending her abroad to study. He got married to his parent’s choice but then got divorced after 8 months. A year after the divorce, he ran into his ex and they have been married now for 12 years. He then adds ‘The ONLY PERSON, who should have the power to end your relationship, IS YOU.’ And then credits Confucius for the quote to achieve effect. Hell oh hell.

‘With all this said, you need to reflect and be certain before you make any life changing decision especially marriage. Follow your heart and stop worrying about what other people think.  I am sorry to break it to you; those people opposing don’t care about your happiness. They’re trying to live vicariously through you. The opposition might seem too much right now, and you may fear losing what you have, but I want you to know that: Hope Displaces Fear. So if the only tools you have at your disposal are Hope & Love, you’re equipped to win. Regardless of what your in-laws did before your marriage, be nice to them. Respect them. It is also funny that all their actions, while it may appear selfish is done out of love.’

While our guest shared his ideas and told his story, participants too had stories of their own to share. Something that happened to a ‘cousin’, a ‘friend’, a ‘guy in their backyard’. And it was apparent that on some level, Nigerians take it seriously when their parents object to their choice of partner. But then again, it’s 2013 and we have couples who met on Facebook, Twitter and Nairaland who are getting married, so how seriously do we still take the objections of our parents and relatives who by all standards are basically just old fashioned and enmeshed in the quagmire of tribalism and religious sentiments, because basically opposition to choice of marriage is usually based on ethnicity then religion followed by level of education and how well to do the person is, in the case of the man.

The choice of a life partner is a huge one in an adult’s life and this decision is made primarily with whom you feel would make the rest of our days happier and with whom you can find fulfillment to all your dreams and goals. So is it right for a parent to oppose your choice of a life partner simply because of where the person is from, or how the person chooses to serve God, probably based on second hand experiences? Absolutely not. But should you listen to your parents and older relatives, hearing out their concerns on your choice of life partner? Certainly, yes. Hearing them out does not translating to doing what they want or marrying their choice if they have any for you. Sometimes most parents just want you to exercise patience and not rush into the marriage, study your partner, and his/her family, perhaps for signs of hereditary illness or the likes. Marriage is not necessarily about similarities, the error people make when criticizing your choice of partner is when they expect you to marry from the same tribe or ethnic group, religion, denomination, with the assumption that this would lead to a better understanding among the couple and thus a happier marriage.

The important thing is striking a balance between opposition to our choice, or calls to reconsider or carry out investigations to the background of your choice and the voice in your head that keeps telling you, he/she is the one. But all in all, it’s your decision to make and when made be bold enough to stand by it whatever the outcome maybe irrespective of those who might come out to say ‘I told you so’.

Our guest ended by saying: ‘It’s not that easy, especially when you have found THE ONE. So my advice is to stick to your partner, and do not discount any counsel.’ So what are the other notable quotables from this week’s edition? Here goes:

@tundealuko: When parents (mostly pure blood Ekiti) insist their children CAN’T marry from Ogun state IJEBU in particular

@hbillions: Reasons for opposing usually diminish with age of the offspring concerned. They therefore may not be valid reasons in the first place

@bimbolanko: Pekingese (Boy) brings a Pit bull (gurl) home. The father who has been bitten severally by such breed objects. Is he over reacting?

@titilolavicky: I had an Igbo friend who asked me out during NYSC. I told him my mum gave me “catchment areas” for picking a hubby.

@midnightsun84: It’s just easier for your life if you marry someone with parental and familial consent than without

@Jvmoke: If your parents are skeptical about your intended spouse, slow down, have a matured convo with them & do some research

@JackieUko: I’ll listen to my parents on marriage issues because: they have an exemplary marriage; are sound spiritually & mentally; & they wish me well.

@rosanwo: The truth is a lot of peeps can’t even hold conversations with their parents, talk more of convincing them on marriage

@dchocoholiclady: Understand your parent’s reason for saying NO and make the final call and be prepared to live with the consequences good or bad

 

That’s the much we could take folks. Thank you for making it another superb edition on the show. God bless you. See you next week.

 

Caleb Olorunmaiye.

#NHBi Review: Must We Have Kids via @Kwamiadadevoh #NHBi #S3W4

I love to discuss marriage and family with my parents, in having such discussions, my mind is open to the beliefs and worldviews of their generation. This enables me to see how different their generation is from my generation. In matters relating to marriage and family, my parents generation is aggressively pro marriage and pro kids. My generation however operates by a different set of values and we certainly don’t play by the same rules they play by.  My generation has adopted a laissez-faire attitude to issues such as marriage and family.

Times have changed and we have changed with the times.
I respect the institution of marriage. It is a divine arrangement that ensures the perpetuation of our species. And one of the ways in which marriage ensures the perpetuation of our species is via childbearing. Childbearing within the context of marriage conveys dignity, honor and prestige on a couple and is seen as a sign of blessing from the Lord. Indeed the Holy Writ tells us that ‘Sons are an heritage from the Lord.’ Not only that, our African society places a premium on having kids.  Scorn and disrespect are heaped on the fruitless couple and no expense is spared to ensure that the couple has children.  These factors notwithstanding, the reality on ground is that times have changed and though we still live in Africa with its overbearing child-centric worldview, the stark truth is that we, the jet age generation don’t operate by the same set of rules our parents lived by and for good reason.
Marriage isn’t about having children, it’s about two people who love each other dearly and want to spend the rest of their lives together and though having kids is optional, the question of perpetuation comes up and ought to be factored in when making decisions to have kids or not.  How will we ensure the perpetuation of our species if  everyone had adopted a laissez faire attitudes to childbearing? What if we cant have kids, you may ask, then I believe the couple should seriously consider adoption, artificial insemination or in extreme cases, surrogate motherhood. Technology has given us so many options for having kids. Yet, despite the plethora of choices available to us, the issue of having kids should be left to the judgment and decision of the couple.

Each individual should decide if they have the emotional, spiritual and financial capacity to care for their children. There’s nothing more inhumane than having kids one doesn’t have the capacity to care for. Each couple should be given the liberty to decide whether they want to have kids or not. Nothing is set in in stone and everyone has a right to determine their life’s trajectory. Societal pressure shouldn’t be a factor in a couple’s decision making regarding childbearing.
As a student of sociology, one of the tenets of sociology is that it is value free, it doesn’t presume to tell people what to do and so this op-ed won’t come out to endorse or prescribe one course of action over the other. Couples decision to have kids or not is their choice and so must it be.

Hammed Roman Ajiboye

#NHBI Opinion: S/He can’t cook. So what? via @rosanwo #NHBi #S3W3

Last #Nhbi topic was titled what if s/he can’t cook so what?

The topic was anchored by @rosanwo

So what if you cant cook, like who really cares?

This turned out to be a very interesting and broad topic as people aired their no hold barreds views and I could see subs flying all around. I can say I never regretted the MBs used on that day.

While some tweets were hilarious and some you had to wonder, well really wonder why they took it so personal.

From my deductions, a greater percentage of the male folks prefer a woman that can cook in d kitchen and also cook in the bedroom.

Some women see cooking as big deal… and I ask ‘Kini big deal in cooking?’.

But trust me if you can’t cook good food in the house and a better meal in the bedroom, your husband will so go out and look for a hor ‘es devores outside. And that side dish may one day become the main meal.

While some ladies will be forming working class and despise the days of cooking in  the kitchen, someone some where will cook eforiro with correctly spiced snails  and collect your man then you will start running around like someone a frog is chasing..

If you think good food cannot keep a man, think again some men like food as much as sex. Men love  GOOD Sex. Men love GOOD food. Men love good home cooking. Dishes like that are garnished with love and more love.

Or you think the saying ‘ the best way to a man’s heart is thru is stomach’ was Aesop’s fable?

It will do you like Nollywood extra.

Forget the manicured nails, the prayer your man tells you when he finishes eating your delicious meal and the way he rubs his belle or uses toothpick to brush his mouth. Oh Lord and the joy that comes to your soul afterwards— Divine.

Do you know how many ladies will die to cook for him!? Besides, Efo and Snails aint that expensive you know.

There are plenty marriages that have scattered as a result of a woman not knowing how to cook. Irreconcilable differences has got so many definitions, one of which is “she can’t cook”

When you continue to form cooking o matter your eye will clear one day the moment he tells you he wants to eat a home made meal, meanwhile  you will carry phone and call mother dearest , just pray network doesn’t mess up on that day.

Then you will know that cooking matter.

Also, you save a lot from cooking at home and that will save your finances and a woman can is a good financial controller remains a blessing to her husband and family.

You can have the occasional eating out as a family, but do not turn it to an everyday affair.

But a woman’s ability to cook remains a legacy she has to pass down to her children. A woman who knows how to cook is a blessing to her generation. And all women should endeavour to teach their child basic culinary skills like frying dodo and boiling egg and even cooking their traditional dishes.

A word is enough.

A family that eats a home made meal together lives together.

@madamedemadame

#NHBI Opinion: It was just sex, why the attachment ? via @Reine_LaGlace #NHBi #S3W1

#NHBi season opener* by @Reine_LaGlace was based on the premise that women could skip the emotional attachment that comes with intimacy if they choose to. Followers of #NHBi shared their thoughts and God was not spared.

“God did not create sex for this no emotion attached bullshit. Better yet, that’s what vibrators are for!”  Any discussion in Nigeria would not be complete without reference to God and hence the introduction to @NHBi. The season opener banged on two underlying throbbing questions ‘ what are women’s thoughts on casual sex’ and ‘ can women have sex like a man?’

We were schooled in biology by tweets such as ‘men and women are wired differently’, ‘men would prefer if women were not emotionally attached’ and ‘women can’t have sex and move on’.  I learnt about how oxytocin is released by both sexes but transmitted differently. For the men, it means finding as many people to say ‘wham, bang and thank you – if you’re lucky!’  On the other hand, women yearn for a more lifelong companion to start woman a family.  Some of the men were enquiring where they could find women who were not emotionally attached after sex.  However, their search was slightly dampened by a tweet which pointed to the low plausibility of this happening. Why?  Apparently, women have a biological wiring that is sky high especially when it comes to intimacy.

Culture and gender stereotypes were evident in some tweets as they can and do control women’s sexuality. ‘Sex is not normal’ therefore ‘women are catching on and doing it without emotional attachment’.  My understanding is that as more people are having sex outside marriage (which is not normal); this has enabled more women to do forgo the emotions that comes with marriage. I presume within the Nigerian context that normal sex and emotions only takes place in marriages. It is however more pitiful for a man to be hung up after sex when the woman has moved on and not the way round. Yes. That tweet was by a man.

Then we get to the main issue that sex and emotions are inextricably intertwined.  Some interesting tweets such as ‘she must be getting paid to rid her of any emotionally attachment’, ‘women who have sex without emotional  attachment have learnt to do – perhaps as it’s not part of their genetic makeup’, ‘women that have sex without emotional attachment have been psychological damaged’ and ‘no emotional attachment is equated with having  no respect’. Someone tweeted rather gleefully that he’s been having sex for 15 years and has yet to fall in love! One doubts that feelings of respect are the last thing one thinks when having sex. My view is shared by this statement that ‘the better the sex, the more likelihood of emotional attachment’ which may prove very hard for one to discard their emotions.

Sola Ade

*Click for It was just sex, why the attachment ? via @Reine_LaGlace  #NHBi #S3W1 storified