#NHBI Opinion: When Parents Say No via @Sen8torBalo #NHBi #S3W7

The thing about the show on #NHBi is that after every episode I’m left thinking what more interesting topic could the host come up with next week. Sometimes, it seems like everything has been talked about, what more could possibly be explored. And to think that we are in the third season, and this week only the 7^th episode, so there is still another 7 more weeks of fun, learning and interaction to look forward to on the show. Welcome guys, to another review of #NHBi. We know how dreary your lives can get and how much you look forward to the next episode just after one is being concluded. I’m I right or I’m I right?

This week on the show we had Isaac Oraweme, @Sen8torBalo as our guest and the topic up for discussion was ‘When Parents say No…to your choice of partner.’

Isaac got off by introducing himself as a student of Public Health at Northeastern University Boston, MA, and an importer of high end cars into Nigeria. Ok, so he isn’t a counselor of any sort, but he was going to be speaking based on personal experiences and what life has taught him so far.  Isaac noted how when a relationship appears to be casual, there are no issues, but once there is talk of marriage, opposition comes from all angles the moment family, friends and neighbours et all deem the union to be sacrilegious. He says: ‘Sad that a lot of beautiful relationships met an untimely death because of tribal & or religious differences between the dating couple.’

Isaac opines that in Nigeria, the assumption that men and women of marriageable age belong to themselves is not always true, or that the notion that only the consent of the intending couple is required for the marriage to take place is a lie as the most cultures stipulate that a woman is the ‘property’ of the most senior male in the household and it is he who gives her away in marriage, hence his consent is most certainly required.

Be that as it may, he goes on to stress that a lot of couples have drawn the ire of parents and relatives for getting married without the consent of their parents. But then he drops an important point to note ‘…but if you are being pressured into breaking up with whom you’re dating due to tribal differences or any reason. Don’t give in.’

He went on to give the story of a friend, a Yoruba, who was dating an Ibo whom his mother strongly objected against. The opposition to the relationship ended in a bitter break up and the girl’s family ended up sending her abroad to study. He got married to his parent’s choice but then got divorced after 8 months. A year after the divorce, he ran into his ex and they have been married now for 12 years. He then adds ‘The ONLY PERSON, who should have the power to end your relationship, IS YOU.’ And then credits Confucius for the quote to achieve effect. Hell oh hell.

‘With all this said, you need to reflect and be certain before you make any life changing decision especially marriage. Follow your heart and stop worrying about what other people think.  I am sorry to break it to you; those people opposing don’t care about your happiness. They’re trying to live vicariously through you. The opposition might seem too much right now, and you may fear losing what you have, but I want you to know that: Hope Displaces Fear. So if the only tools you have at your disposal are Hope & Love, you’re equipped to win. Regardless of what your in-laws did before your marriage, be nice to them. Respect them. It is also funny that all their actions, while it may appear selfish is done out of love.’

While our guest shared his ideas and told his story, participants too had stories of their own to share. Something that happened to a ‘cousin’, a ‘friend’, a ‘guy in their backyard’. And it was apparent that on some level, Nigerians take it seriously when their parents object to their choice of partner. But then again, it’s 2013 and we have couples who met on Facebook, Twitter and Nairaland who are getting married, so how seriously do we still take the objections of our parents and relatives who by all standards are basically just old fashioned and enmeshed in the quagmire of tribalism and religious sentiments, because basically opposition to choice of marriage is usually based on ethnicity then religion followed by level of education and how well to do the person is, in the case of the man.

The choice of a life partner is a huge one in an adult’s life and this decision is made primarily with whom you feel would make the rest of our days happier and with whom you can find fulfillment to all your dreams and goals. So is it right for a parent to oppose your choice of a life partner simply because of where the person is from, or how the person chooses to serve God, probably based on second hand experiences? Absolutely not. But should you listen to your parents and older relatives, hearing out their concerns on your choice of life partner? Certainly, yes. Hearing them out does not translating to doing what they want or marrying their choice if they have any for you. Sometimes most parents just want you to exercise patience and not rush into the marriage, study your partner, and his/her family, perhaps for signs of hereditary illness or the likes. Marriage is not necessarily about similarities, the error people make when criticizing your choice of partner is when they expect you to marry from the same tribe or ethnic group, religion, denomination, with the assumption that this would lead to a better understanding among the couple and thus a happier marriage.

The important thing is striking a balance between opposition to our choice, or calls to reconsider or carry out investigations to the background of your choice and the voice in your head that keeps telling you, he/she is the one. But all in all, it’s your decision to make and when made be bold enough to stand by it whatever the outcome maybe irrespective of those who might come out to say ‘I told you so’.

Our guest ended by saying: ‘It’s not that easy, especially when you have found THE ONE. So my advice is to stick to your partner, and do not discount any counsel.’ So what are the other notable quotables from this week’s edition? Here goes:

@tundealuko: When parents (mostly pure blood Ekiti) insist their children CAN’T marry from Ogun state IJEBU in particular

@hbillions: Reasons for opposing usually diminish with age of the offspring concerned. They therefore may not be valid reasons in the first place

@bimbolanko: Pekingese (Boy) brings a Pit bull (gurl) home. The father who has been bitten severally by such breed objects. Is he over reacting?

@titilolavicky: I had an Igbo friend who asked me out during NYSC. I told him my mum gave me “catchment areas” for picking a hubby.

@midnightsun84: It’s just easier for your life if you marry someone with parental and familial consent than without

@Jvmoke: If your parents are skeptical about your intended spouse, slow down, have a matured convo with them & do some research

@JackieUko: I’ll listen to my parents on marriage issues because: they have an exemplary marriage; are sound spiritually & mentally; & they wish me well.

@rosanwo: The truth is a lot of peeps can’t even hold conversations with their parents, talk more of convincing them on marriage

@dchocoholiclady: Understand your parent’s reason for saying NO and make the final call and be prepared to live with the consequences good or bad

 

That’s the much we could take folks. Thank you for making it another superb edition on the show. God bless you. See you next week.

 

Caleb Olorunmaiye.

#NHBiReview Must He Spend Before I Say Yes? S3W6

When our host Mark Amaza, @amasonic announced the guest and topic for this week’s discussion of the show, Tony Atambi, @TonyAtambi predicted a ‘full scale war…will last 3 days’.

Welcome guys to another round up of yet another entertaining week on #NHBi. Our guest this week was the delectable Tolulope ‘Tols’ Akinsola @yelecapri10, and the topic was ‘Must He spend before I say yes?’

In true #NHBi spirit, it was fireworks from the get go. Our guest started by saying, if she were asked, her answer would be ‘No’. Her reasons? Well she says ‘I like to know that I wasn’t ‘bought’ into a relationship’. Pretty much straightforward I must say. She told the story of a ‘brother’ who was knocking down her door, asking her to date him. Her mother liked him, and so did her sisters who thought he was intelligent. For most guys it’s usually easy street from here on, our ‘brother’ figured he’d sweeten the deal further and threw in gifts of gold bracelet.

She refused it. A wristwatch came thereafter, same thing, turned down. She says she liked him, but the gifts were making her feel like she was being bribed and her answer depended on the gifts. Long story short, she never dated him and that particular incidence modeled her dating philosophy, for her, you don’t have to spend before she says yes to you. She asks, ‘What happens when he stops spending? Will you undo your yes?’

‘Money shouldn’t define your relationship. If it does it would be the only thing that matters through it.’ She adds.

By this time the sparks were flying already and everyone tuned in had an opinion on the topic.

And whether the shots were subliminals or fired directly, there was plenty of truth in a lot that was said and of course there was a good dose of the hilarious.

From this writer’s point of view, it seems almost natural for a man to spend for the woman in the process of wooing. Women on some primal level are a tad materialistic and are wired to measure how well a man would look after her and her foals, by how he spends during the wooing process. The money or the gifts may not be the main attraction but when it comes down to it, is he a spender or a thriftier? Is he a giver or a taker? Women would expect gifts from you, not because their love is for sale or it depends on it, but to some extent a man who showers gifts in the wooing process exhibits some form of charm and suave which is what they expect to see from a man they consider worth having them. But again depends on what the man is buying. A bottle of groundnut is one thing, a romantic calligraphy written love letter is another.

Many women would still say yes to a frugal man, but at least they entered into the relationship knowing what sort of man he is and knowing what to expect and what not to.

Must he spend before I say yes? Every woman’s expectations are different and so are their standards. But it’s important for men not to use the money bait as a deal maker for women.

There is the kind of woman that you attract when money is the sole form of attraction. Some men are shy and timid; suffer from inferiority complex, perhaps because of a lack of say university education, and having come upon some money throw it endlessly at women with no chill whatsoever. For every kind of women you want, a different kind of bait s necessary.

You wouldn’t want to use money as bait for a woman you expect to be loyal and faithful, what happens when you run out of some and can’t keep up with the lifestyle you have gotten her used to?

When a man spends, the intent is to say loud and clear ‘I will take care of you’. It says ‘I just want you to know, if it ever comes down to it, while you are with me, some things will be well within reach.’ What he spends on shows how much he has, or how he thinks. For example, 200 level boy asking 100 level girl out, he buys her a phone casing. ‘Hey I noticed your phone casing is pretty much worn out, I figured I’ll just get you a new one that would make it look a lot nicer.’

What does this prove? He notices the little things. And isn’t it the little things that they say are the most important. A phone casing won’t necessarily make the girl say yes. But it makes more sense than buying her a gold necklace instead.

The way and manner a man spends on a girl he is asking to date him should be handled delicately. Some things at that point are absolutely not your responsibility. If you throw money carelessly, you’ll become a maga!

Cue in theme music of the day One Naira – M.I Ft Waje

#NHBi was the 1st ranked trend in Nigeria well into the early hours of the next morning. Here are selected tweets from the discussion. Enjoy. See you next week. God bless

@nykelodeon: Love language for Nigerian babes is MONEY! Simple

@RoyalAmebo: Well, I think we should be realistic. I’m a lady. Truly, money can’t buy love but it would boost the ‘cgpa’

@StNaija: Different women have different love languages. Pouring gifts on a service-loving woman is a waste.

@segelegend: A bit of everything is needful in wooing her, money being an integral part

@madamedemadame: Must money be the answer? Must you place the whole load of finance on your boyfriend? Una no get papa?

@KoloKennethK: To all the girls collecting and letting the guys linger, there is a special line for you on judgment day

@nisots: If I do like him and I know I can date him he doesn’t need money or gifts to get a yes. If I like you I like you, if I don’t I don’t.

@baybeekween: in the end with all your spending if a girl doesn’t love you, you are just another Good Samaritan

Caleb Olorunmaiye (@_ceefour)

#NHBi Review: Must We Have Kids via @Kwamiadadevoh #NHBi #S3W4

I love to discuss marriage and family with my parents, in having such discussions, my mind is open to the beliefs and worldviews of their generation. This enables me to see how different their generation is from my generation. In matters relating to marriage and family, my parents generation is aggressively pro marriage and pro kids. My generation however operates by a different set of values and we certainly don’t play by the same rules they play by.  My generation has adopted a laissez-faire attitude to issues such as marriage and family.

Times have changed and we have changed with the times.
I respect the institution of marriage. It is a divine arrangement that ensures the perpetuation of our species. And one of the ways in which marriage ensures the perpetuation of our species is via childbearing. Childbearing within the context of marriage conveys dignity, honor and prestige on a couple and is seen as a sign of blessing from the Lord. Indeed the Holy Writ tells us that ‘Sons are an heritage from the Lord.’ Not only that, our African society places a premium on having kids.  Scorn and disrespect are heaped on the fruitless couple and no expense is spared to ensure that the couple has children.  These factors notwithstanding, the reality on ground is that times have changed and though we still live in Africa with its overbearing child-centric worldview, the stark truth is that we, the jet age generation don’t operate by the same set of rules our parents lived by and for good reason.
Marriage isn’t about having children, it’s about two people who love each other dearly and want to spend the rest of their lives together and though having kids is optional, the question of perpetuation comes up and ought to be factored in when making decisions to have kids or not.  How will we ensure the perpetuation of our species if  everyone had adopted a laissez faire attitudes to childbearing? What if we cant have kids, you may ask, then I believe the couple should seriously consider adoption, artificial insemination or in extreme cases, surrogate motherhood. Technology has given us so many options for having kids. Yet, despite the plethora of choices available to us, the issue of having kids should be left to the judgment and decision of the couple.

Each individual should decide if they have the emotional, spiritual and financial capacity to care for their children. There’s nothing more inhumane than having kids one doesn’t have the capacity to care for. Each couple should be given the liberty to decide whether they want to have kids or not. Nothing is set in in stone and everyone has a right to determine their life’s trajectory. Societal pressure shouldn’t be a factor in a couple’s decision making regarding childbearing.
As a student of sociology, one of the tenets of sociology is that it is value free, it doesn’t presume to tell people what to do and so this op-ed won’t come out to endorse or prescribe one course of action over the other. Couples decision to have kids or not is their choice and so must it be.

Hammed Roman Ajiboye

#NHBi Review: Must We Have Kids via @Kwamiadadevoh #NHBi #S3W4

Hello everybody. This week on #NHBi was all shades of adjectives. But the one that would stand out is ‘emotional’. The sensitive nature of the topic, the personal story of our guest which was tinged with sadness and joy and just that every one aired their views passionately from each’s own perspective made for indeed an emotional and very interesting episode of the show.

Our guest was Kwami Adadevoh, @Kwamiadadevoh and Kwami got off straight to telling his story. After he got married sometime in the 90’s, apparently the issue of how many children they were going to have had not come up with his wife prior, but he had set his mind on having just  one, she on having three. Where there was no bone of contention was that child bearing wouldn’t begin until 2 years after the wedding. In late 2000, she took in, months later under very unfortunate circumstances, they lost the baby. Then started the road to ‘recovery and rediscovery’ and then 6 months down the line, the wife was pregnant again. Good news yes? Not until the baby was born still born.

He broached the subject of adoption, and she was vehemently against it. As expected, it became a very tense period in their lives and marriage. Getting back to life as normal was the plan, the ghost of the lost babies hung in the air, making everything else seem anything but normal. And while he brought up adoption again and she was indeed beginning to consider it, on the morning they were set to visit one of the orphanages, wife began to throw up, turns out they were pregnant again. He says: ‘And the product of that pregnancy, dear people, is a lovely young & very pretty Year 7 student today who has a handsome year 5 brother ‘

To answer the question that the show’s topic poses, he admits he probably is not qualified to say ‘No’ seeing that he has two lovely children, but after being faced with the possibility of not having any biological kids of his own he admits that it is ‘Tough!’

Now, without thinking it through, it seems pretty normal to begin to have children after you get married. Society expects it of you, family expects it of you, and your religion expects it of you. ‘Must we have kids?’ ‘Why not, if not?’ is what a soon to be bride might retort and add almost immediately ‘abi your kini is not working ni?’

On very practical terms, what are the reasons why a couple might decide not to have children? (a) The economy (b) Health reasons (c) Personality.

On the first point, with rampant unemployment and under employment, the attendant high cost of raising a child might make one seriously consider not having children in this economy. Penny wise. At least until the time is right if it ever is. On the second point, Sickle cell anemia still ravages millions of children in Africa. If by all means you want to spend your life with a certain person, but your genotypes point in the direction of possible SS kids by all means do not have children, and let’s not even talk about HIV. Thirdly, not everyone is primed for parenthood and the notion that associates womanhood with motherhood or children with happiness is wrong and archaic.

But if you must have kids and everything about your biology or your partners says no, a viable option is always adoption that is if the questions and pressure from extended family, church members and people of the world have not driven you insane in the first place. Here are some selected tweets from the discussion.

On Children:

@femiTRIPP: In Africa children are as important as the marriage itself. If not for you both at least for the extended family

@finegurl: All in all. Children are a source of Joy. Biological or adopted. God help us all.

@tinkizee: What kind of empty life will I have if I don’t have children??forget this western rhetoric,children complete u Biko.

@hartng: We live in a society where the clock starts ticking from your wedding reception. All eyes on wifey’s tummy henceforth

 

On Adoption:

@hellynux: Adoption is not a shameful thing. If you can’t have yours then by all means make another person’s yours and be happy.

@amasonic: Can’t resist this: I just do hope that Nigerians’ attitude towards adoption, on a general level, improves.

@p_pope: Adoption is far more common here than we are aware of, not just made public for fear of stigma.~orphanage volunteer.

@TS_tiana: Unlike your biological kids you’re compelled to care for, adoption can be done only out of a heart of pure love. That the beauty of it.

@i_am_dayob: The Nigerian hypocrisy when it comes to things like having kids (women hiding pregnancies), adoption (stealing kids) is sickening.

After all has been said and done, it’s important to consider these important points. Happiness in marriage should not depend on having children, biological or not. And where you want kids of your own, but simply can’t, for any of the one million reasons the doctors would give, adoption is still a very open option. There are already too many uncared for children in the world for you to be bent on having one of yours by all means, exposing yourself to psychological and emotional pain, not to talk of the vulnerability one is exposed to from family members and fraudsters, whether of the cloth or of the medicine.

Another wonderful edition of #NHBi and I implore you to follow the official twitter handle for the forum @Nhbiinteractive and keep up with the blog at www.nhbiinteractive.wordpress.com. See you next week. God bless.

Caleb Olorunmaiye.