Now That We Are Married, Who Pays the Bills? #NHBiReview S3W11

When it is time to talk money these days, you people will just be squeezing face and shining eyes. This has nothing to do with the exposure of the Abuja Gold Diggers the other day does it? Ok, we get it the country is hard. Just smile, its NHBi review time.

Welcome guys to this week’s review of the greatest show on twittersphere. *cue applause*. Nice. We had Uche Briggs, @UcheBriggs as guest talking on the topic ‘Now that we are married, who foots the bills?’

Quick question; Why do people get married? Love? Children? Companionship? Societal pressures? Money? Yes, money is definitely on the list too, however you want to look at it. But of course no one admits it openly that ‘I married because of her money, her father owns two oil blocks and she is an only child’, or I married Chief for his money, God knows I didn’t come to this world to suffer. *insert nollywood theme song*

Our guest gets off by asking if the man shoulder the financial responsibility in the household alone or should it be a joint partnership? Wait, he told me he would take care of me if I married him, what’s all these questions for, has he gotten broke? Uche says ‘unattended expectations’ is one of the factors responsible for relationships coming to an end. ‘It is thus important that the issue of financial responsibility should be discussed extensively between spouses.’ He continues ‘Who should foot the bills? One thing I know is that in many homes, money translates to participation…’ not the No contribution, no chopping kind of thing boys do in school hostels ‘Many women can’t make ‘pim’ because they don’t bring a dime to the table. Their voices are stifled because they don’t contribute financially…based on this point the reasonable argument would be a joint partnership…’

‘All things being equal wives should not be financially responsible for households.’ All things being equal eh, but everyone knows all things are never equal these days. Our guests admits these much ‘Now I understand the socio-economic realities and I know there are deviations from this ideal. We have all been in that situation where things are tough and we have to momentarily depend on our spouse. But let’s get this straight, that a woman is financially providing does not mean it is her responsibility to.’

Uche then proceeds to spite men who live off the toil of their wives and feel comfortable doing so, and concludes that whatever arrangement a couple has should be one they have discussed and not happened upon, but personally he would rather that his woman doesn’t.

What we might want to note here is perhaps the delineation of roles, and clarification of words. Especially words like responsibility which happened to be used very often on this episode of the show. The role of provision is bestowed upon the man, agreed? Good. The role of home raising falls on the woman, right? Does this mean a man can’t change diapers or help with the childrens assignment just because he provides for the family? No matter what is in the book ideally, with time and experience, you discover that delineated roles don’t count for much especially when there is a goal in sight and the partners involved are more concerned with reaching that goal together rather than allowing pride and ego take over and then proceed to trade blames when something fails.  Point is, a married couple in essence become one, should operate as one, think as one. What this means is that, the lines that separate traditional roles fade causing for a greater support system to be in function. Bills haven’t been paid, whose bills? The husbands bills or the wife’s? It is the teams bill. So if one is not in the immediate position to take care of it, without being asked, begged or cajoled the other should. It is like a striker clearing the ball off the goal line to stop his team from conceding a goal. Is it his job to save or to score goals?

Many women would be comfortable with a man who is capable of handling all the bills, but it doesn’t breed responsibility and frankly when your children grow and notice you have to wait for Daddy to come back before all their needs are attended to, they will have very little respect for you.

Abuja Big Boys. How market? We still haven’t gotten the promised robust reply. Our patience is thinning. But I wonder how much pride is left of men who push financial responsibilities over to their women just because they are capable of handling it. Whatever the case, money matters should be properly handled by a couple with plenty of communication with each knowing where he stands. This would save the team, the family, embarrassment and hurtful experiences.

Participants from the show had plenty to say, enjoy some of the selected tweets below.

@nisots: As long as the man is not lazy, he takes up his responsibility, the ideal thing to do as a woman is to support him all the way.

@toksy27: These same men screaming ‘sole provider’ will not save for rainy days, take life insurance or write a will in case of demise

@kolawole_john: Whether you pay all the bills or she does, truth is one person or the two will have to do, for your union to survive. Don’t struggle.

@madamedemadame: I work, he works! He brings food to the table, I bring water. Its a union not a liability.

@Emveepee_1: If you truly love your hubby, you’ll be willing to support him, forget all this rubbish from Nollywood.

@merdip: If he insists I don’t pay anything I will create a ‘superficial’ bill for myself and pay it into ‘Bills Saving Account’

@anafricandiva: Seriously, this splitting bills matter is ridiculous. It has always been a turn off. She can help out when necessary but not as a norm.

How to End Relationships #NHBiReview S3 W11

Some people, I can’t mention names now, but there were indeed some people who were on the verge of a mini heart attack when at about 9.30pm our host Mark Amaza, @amasonic, announced that we would not be having our regular tweetshow, that’s the word in vogue now, but rather some sort of feedback session owing to technical glitches. Someone was hyperventilating beside me when our guest for the night Uncle Efe @HL_Blue stumbled on stage, muttering something inaudible and thanking the host profusely in the process. What an entrance.

Welcome to our review of this week’s show on #NHBi. Our stage stumbling guest, Uncle Efe, was speaking on ‘How to End relationships.’ There are a thousand and one ways to end relationships of course, but I suppose here on #NHBi we wouldn’t be considering an Oscar Pistorious style, because yes indeed, that is one way to end relationships. But talking about healthy means to cut it off, without having bad blood and bitterness and anger in its aftermath, what are the options really? As much variety as we have in pick up lines, I suppose there are as many in break up lines. I mean, there are the classics ‘Its not you, its me, you deserve someone much more better than I.’ And then the spiritual, ‘My pastor said…’ You can take it up from there, can’t you? Then how about making your parents or the other persons tribe the scapegoat; ‘Baby you know how my parents feel about Ibo guys, let’s just end it now before it is too late.’ Humans are wired for survival, and when a relationship begins to choke you, you get all sorts of creative in devising a mechanism, or just the words to end it.

The important thing about ending a relationship is that to do so effectively, you must have been in control of the relationship. Our guest makes this point clear enough when he likens breaking up in a relationship to driving a car in a journey. When you are tired and want out, you simply just pull over, turn off the ignition, un buckle your seat belt and simply walk away. Compare it to if you are in the passenger it and you aren’t in control. You want to get off, and the driver isn’t going to let you off easy, hell he could run you into a tree trunk.

‘If you are the driver in the relationship your own is good. Just turn off the engine and come down. Or you can just travel for your masters. Be like, Jesus take the wheel of this relationship and jump out like that.’ He continues ‘However, many of you are not in the drivers seat of your relationship that is why you are asking how to end them.’

Then, there was one of those affirmative self help things councillors and public speaking people do that Uncle Efe asked us to do. Me I was tired, but hey, I didn’t want to be the guy who everyone refers to as the sceptic who don’t think these things work. So when he asked us to put our right hand on our chest, I promptly did and we repeated after him ‘I will not be the passenger in my relationship.’ Breath deep. You see, that was helpful.

And then, we had to talk about our relationships, the ones we want to end but don’t know how, Uncle Efe was here to give us advise. And advise he gave. Check out this one: ‘There is this lovely way of ending a relationship. Just call the other person and say, call me back, anytime credit finishes we’re over.’ Ouch!

‘Or you tear your dresses into pieces and tell him if you can repair this dress then you can repair our relationship.’ And he warns, there are no wrong methods of breaking up.

And then we had to share our worst break-up story. This really got me emo and all, *sniffs*, I remember I left, then came back, but couldn’t really take it anymore I just had to leave again.

Relationships are difficult to end. And while you are pondering how to end it, maybe for lack of courage or lack of words, remember how you suffered the same way when you were going to approach her in the first place. However much disdain you harbour for this person right now though, it is important to treat people with respect, I mean that is what you would want yourself isn’t it. That way it is easier for the other person to move on, at least that is one thing you would really want. It is also nice to know why it didn’t work, it could help the other person improve on themselves or their next relationships.

Here are select tweets from the discussion this week, not enough space to put as many as we would liked, too much hilarious stuff, and real talk. The combo is what makes it real fun.

@Omojuwa: You don’t have to break up, just walk away. By the time you are back someone else will be going through that door anyway.

@suave_sultan: Another break up story I heard, niccur just yelled another girls name as he was ejaculating. She never came back.

@tayoboy: Got her to find weed in my pockets. Never even smoked cigarettes. She thought she did the dumping. Every one is happy

@topeatiba: some people are experts at working you up till you leave. Kinda like bosses that would rather not sack you

@rosanwo: Guy: Babe, I cheated on you, I know you will leave me, sorry. Babe: So, I forgive you. Guy: No, I can’t forgive myself, its over.

@iAmKingsiju: Break-ups are the tough part of a relationship, if you have to do it be firm and nice.

@STONEHENGENG: Put Barry White’s ‘Kiss and say goodbye’ when she is around. Lol

@OmowonuolaMaja: Sha bring scotch, ice cream and cake with chocolate when you are coming to break up with me. At least there is something to binge on.

@HRHTega1: Must we break up? Can’t we just fizzle out like candle wey don finish. No need for senrere

Caleb Olorunmaiye

Should Single Women Hide their Money? #NHBiReview S3 W9

Or maybe we should put it this way, ‘Should Wealthy Single Women Downplay Their Wealth’?  At least that is what our guest @ebonyoma seems to think, saying that the topic at first glance may seem as if we are talking about being stingy.

Welcome guys to another review of yet another wonderful edition of #NHBi. So, should single women, no matter how much they have, hide their money? Should they play it down so that they do not intimidate men or scare off prospective suitors? Whatever it is your viewpoint is or was, #NHBi gets to usually solidify it, or provide some other perspective that informs and educates and when received with an open mind improves on what it is that you stand for.

Oma says “For years, a lot of us women have heard stuff like ‘don’t display your money o. don’t buy car o. So that you don’t intimidate men’”. And she says advice to a single woman not to do things such as renting her own apartment, or buying a car, comes from all sort of places, friends, colleagues, family and even pastors. She asks ‘As a single woman with a source of income or inheritance or both, why shouldn’t I live how I please?  If I can afford a car why shouldn’t I buy one for myself, or why should I buy a rickety one? If I can afford to dine in expensive restaurants or take myself on holidays, why shouldn’t I?”

Or more controversially, if I can afford a cook or a housekeeper, why shouldn’t I get one? Because I’m unmarried?” The advice against such to a single woman no matter how well meaning, she says, has never made sense to her. ‘It is the same as telling a woman to act dumb or pretend not to know something so as not to intimidate a man.’

She says it’s not about competing with men but about working hard and getting what you want on yourself. In her opinion, the only reason why a woman might need to downplay her wealth is to avoid gold diggers?

Suddenly the conversation veered to a lane no one even envisaged. Gold diggers. Male gold diggers. Who knew? Oma says, ‘For years the word golddigger has been attached to solely women. From the stereotypical dumb blonde who marries a very old, wealthy man to a girl innocently asking a guy how much he earns.’ She continues ‘But tonigt, ladies and gentlemen, especially ladies, I am happy to inform you that there are MALE golddiggers.’

Pause. Shock. Gasps.  Feet shuffling. A few men take their leave. Women break into a spirited series of claps and boos. I just bowed my head. ‘They are increasing in number, especially in Abuja.’ Gobe! More men take their leave. We should have put security at the door.

‘These men are everywhere. From nightclubs to offices to banks and even churches!’ What do miners have to fear in the presence of God? Oma goes on to give signs on how ladies can recognise these golddiggers. Wasn’t surprised to see women bringing out their writing pads.

1. They are smooth talkers. Whoosh. The quintessential male gold diggers and the Casanova have that in common.
2. They lie a lot.
3. They never appear to be broke or poor. They put up the appearance of big boys with big ‘projects’ so that when they start asking you for money, you won’t be suspicious.

Who are their preys? ‘Rich, single women. Mostly in their thirties and older because they are emotionally vulnerable. Women who are desperate to settle down because of loneliness or family pressure.’ And she closes thus ‘But despite all these, should a single, wealthy woman hide her wealth? Or deny herself pleasures she can afford? No. I do not think so. You can buy that car? Please do. You can afford that vacation? Please go. Life is for the living. What is the point in working so hard if you cannot enjoy the fruits of your labour?’

By the time our guest Oma was done, the Abuja boys where nowhere to be found. And there were all these subs flying from perhaps women who had had first hand experiences of these golddiggers.

But in all of these, my take is that if you have money, spend it on what you want to, but be careful on , the kind of guys you attract and secondly, that your money doesn’t  get you arrogant and proud. These pitfalls are necessary to avoid because when they aren’t it becomes a lose-lose situation for you.

 

@onaives: Where I come from a man is not permitted to receive any form of money from a woman regardless of her financial status

@aarsheedah: As a lady, from your father’s house straight to husband’s house. Living alone makes no sense

@wildeyeq: Even chicks wey no get copper dey fear Gold-digger. We see una

@oyinkolawa: That was how one told me to give him 500k that he was going to ad 1M and get me a car. I told him to try another trick.

@afobajee: some tweeps be taking this gold digger thing personal. Victims maybe?

@DABRAINIAC: Women are always having to downplay themselves to soothe the egos of men and society and that in my opinion is an insult to both men and women

@miss_nelo: Ladies spend your money but please stay humble. Spending your money is different from flaunting it.

@Emveepee_1: I know of a lady who is no longer driving her Honda because she is looking for a man to marry. Advice from family. She moves about on bike.

@miss_nelo: Be rest assured that if you downplay your wealth to get a man, you will compromise on a lot of things after marriage. Career, your future, your goals…

@OreFakorede: Stay alert. A man who keeps coming to you with bills is not really a man, he is a leech…and he will suck you dry.

So it seems this week’s edition of #NHBi did a lot of damage to the hustle of Abuja boys. They have promised us a robust reply. We wait patiently. Until then and till next week, God bless.

Caleb Olorunmaiye.

Male or Female Children in Nigeria; No need for a superiority Contest #NHBiReview

As soon as I saw the topic for NHBi, I knew it was going to be a fire-cracker of a time. I was right, it was. It was an expose on the very many opinions out there: from the enlightening to the downright hilarious. For the 1st time in a long while, I didn’t participate actively, just read and learnt from people’s opinions. Here’s my 2cents.
The issue of a preference for male children over their female counterparts is quite long standing. In our climes, particularly Eastern Nigeria, it reaches a different propensity. In most family and communal events, women are seen and not heard; only contributing by cooking the meals. In some places, a girl child is automatically denied inheritance simply because of her gender. Let us not even begin to count women who have been sent packing from their husbands’ homes because of their perceived inability to bear male children; they run into the thousands.

If I were around when those my ancestors set down the rules, I would have fought them tooth and nail. They carried the bible’s use of the term ‘he’ too far. Firstly, children are God’s gifts and as a result, it is the height of ingratitude/in very bad taste to grumble over the sex of your child: especially as there are persons who are looking for these priceless gifts.

Besides, gender has never automatically translated to the perfect children. That children turn out well balanced, functional and whole individuals is as a result of the upbringing they get. There have been successful male children, no doubt. There are also colossal figures who have bestrode this planet that are female. In the same vein, parents suffer some huge disillusionment on the way their children turned out, both male and female.

I would love to have children of both genders: simply because it will be great experiencing the different challenges of being a mother to both a boy and a girl – puberty, adolescence, sex education (the famous conversation about birds and the bees), girlfriends/boyfriends, football/parties and the like. I also don’t have any brothers (my only brother died years ago), so I’d love as many male folk as possible around. There is a caveat: any husband who goes ballistic because I don’t ‘give him a male child’ will be reminded that ‘I gave him what he put in there’ (he determines the sex of the baby and should put a man in, if he wants a man out). Q.E.D!!!
Eky Shirley

Twitter: @EkyShirley

Google+: Eky Shirley

Facebook: www.facebook.com/EkysCorner

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Male or Female Kids via @Topsyken #NHBi S3W8

In the 21^st century world we live in a social innovation like what is offered via #NHBi is possible, connecting thousands of micro blogging users via the internet to discuss issues, learn and connect. But what with when 18^th century ideologies, bias and misconceptions

are not done away with, notions carried by the seemingly educated that defies the logic of the education they claim to possess.  Ironically, this seem to be the case in our world today and particularly on the African continent where the male child is considered superior to the female child and the female less deserving of inheritance, parental care and attention, a chance at schooling and thus is banished to a life dedicated to servitude and child bearing.

Welcome to this week’s review of #NHBi where we had the topic ‘Male or Female Kids’ and we had as our guest Tope Aigba, @Topsyken. As always with our guest Tope drew from some personal experience and narrated how shortly after marriage, her father-in-law had told her that she must give him a male child as her first. And she says she couldn’t help thinking ‘Na me dey make pikin?’ and says she knew enough to know that it was the man who ‘determines’ the sex of the child.

“As God will have it, my first child happened to be a boy. Come and see celebrations oh. Enough pepper rest on top say ‘Mama na boy o’”

Tope told of a woman she met at the gynecologist who had already had 3 daughters and was begging the doctor that she was willing to do anything to have a male child, she was desperate owing to pressure from her husband’s family and the Doctor too, sensing her desperation began to feel all important ‘as if he is God that gives children’.  There was also the story of a man who scolded his wife publicly shortly after she was delivered of a baby girl, their third. The woman wept bitterly and the man walked out on her in annoyance. The man, who happened to be a Pastor, returned shortly after, after a conviction from the Holy Spirit, apologized to his wife, demanded to see the baby and ‘blessed the child from the depth of his being’. They decided to put a stop to child bearing after that but ‘God surprised them with a pregnancy and in delivery, it was a boy’.

Tope says that the choice of having children or not is the prerogative of the couple and whatever their decision they should try as much as possible not to allow external influences.

Much of Africa still remains a very traditional society despite our pretense to all things western. Thus notions such as the importance of the male child over the female is still very wide spread, the most widely held belief for this belief is the continuity of a man’s lineage.  What we might want to quickly bear in mind is that for one, I and maybe you really do not care about some great-grandfather who lived 600 years old and whose name you bear as surname, but are more interested in surviving, meeting set life goals and living the rest of your life in peace. How many minutes in a day do you spare to think about your ancestors whose name you bear. So when today, someone goes off about wanting male children to continue his lineage you might want to realize, 200 years from now, that would be the least important things to the yet unborn children, and great grandchildren.

As far as procreation goes, there is only so much the human can control. The rest is left to biology, science and the all powerful invisible hand of God. During the discussion, as our guest mentioned, men are actually responsible for the gender of a child. Men bear the X and Y chromosomes; women bear the X and X chromosomes. So what this basically means is that if the man’s Y meets the woman’s X, they would bear a male child. If his X meets her X, they would bear a female. When a couple is desperate to have a certain gender of child, they could be exposed to all manner of hearsays that would allegedly help them conceive their choice gender. What is the craziest you have heard? I for one have heard that a couple should have sex in the afternoon for a male child, or face north for a male child while lovemaking. These myths would only serve to further frustrate the couple when they do not work because they are not in any way scientifically proven.

But then, what does it matter the sex of your child? Does it make it any less your child? It is understandable that for certain altruistic reasons someone might want a certain gender of child for example, being raised in an all male household might spark the desire of female children, and vice versa, but where we get it wrong, as husbands, or wives, or in-laws is when we blame the woman, or even the man for their inability to conceive of a certain gender. What a child is going to be, is less determined on his sex and hinged more on the training, care and attention he or she receives and the support to pursue his or her life goals and dreams. There are female pilots as well as there are male pilots. There are female actors as well as there are male actors. Gender shouldn’t stop a child from getting the love he deserves and shouldn’t determine how far the child could go.

Angry at your spouse, your in-laws or God for having a boy when you wanted a girl, or ‘refusing’ o give you a boy and rather blessing you with a chain of girls is just petty and a frailty of our human nature. So do we want to rise above them or not?

Lots of stories and experiences came up during the discussion, all too many to put in here. But here are some selected tweets that give insights to the shade of the discussion

@LanreAA: I always hoped for sons because I don’t understand women and I want to understand my kids.

@finegurl: I thank my parents for raising us to be solid individuals regardless of our gender. I was a full tomboy. No time.

@geny_awoke: Now d X chromosome moves slow, is stronger and survives for a long time while d Y is faster and dies off quickly… The best time to meet your wife if u really want to have a male child is during ovulation. Because that’s when you’re sure that there is an egg waiting to be fertilized and since d Y chromosome is faster is gets there first. Once fertilization takes place then you have a male child but when you meet your wife prior to ovulation the Y get there first finds no egg and dies off while d X takes its time and when it get there maybe in few days it meets the egg and then u have a female child

@Lilysville: Life happens when we are busy making plans, male or female, children are gifts from God.

@bimbolanko: There is no crime in craving a Male or a Female child. Just don’t be stupid about it.

@amasonic: One reason I’ve heard so many times for desiring a son is so that ‘family name won’t die’. Does that mean the Obama name will die?

@KoloKennethK: I want a girl to adore, but I want boys to hang out with.

@madamedemadame: If you have a boy or a girl, be thankful. Many are still looking for the fruit of the womb.

Interesting stuff I tell you. That’s the much we can take here. Keep a date with us same time next week. God bless.

Caleb Olorunmaiye