Male or Female Children in Nigeria; No need for a superiority Contest #NHBiReview

As soon as I saw the topic for NHBi, I knew it was going to be a fire-cracker of a time. I was right, it was. It was an expose on the very many opinions out there: from the enlightening to the downright hilarious. For the 1st time in a long while, I didn’t participate actively, just read and learnt from people’s opinions. Here’s my 2cents.
The issue of a preference for male children over their female counterparts is quite long standing. In our climes, particularly Eastern Nigeria, it reaches a different propensity. In most family and communal events, women are seen and not heard; only contributing by cooking the meals. In some places, a girl child is automatically denied inheritance simply because of her gender. Let us not even begin to count women who have been sent packing from their husbands’ homes because of their perceived inability to bear male children; they run into the thousands.

If I were around when those my ancestors set down the rules, I would have fought them tooth and nail. They carried the bible’s use of the term ‘he’ too far. Firstly, children are God’s gifts and as a result, it is the height of ingratitude/in very bad taste to grumble over the sex of your child: especially as there are persons who are looking for these priceless gifts.

Besides, gender has never automatically translated to the perfect children. That children turn out well balanced, functional and whole individuals is as a result of the upbringing they get. There have been successful male children, no doubt. There are also colossal figures who have bestrode this planet that are female. In the same vein, parents suffer some huge disillusionment on the way their children turned out, both male and female.

I would love to have children of both genders: simply because it will be great experiencing the different challenges of being a mother to both a boy and a girl – puberty, adolescence, sex education (the famous conversation about birds and the bees), girlfriends/boyfriends, football/parties and the like. I also don’t have any brothers (my only brother died years ago), so I’d love as many male folk as possible around. There is a caveat: any husband who goes ballistic because I don’t ‘give him a male child’ will be reminded that ‘I gave him what he put in there’ (he determines the sex of the baby and should put a man in, if he wants a man out). Q.E.D!!!
Eky Shirley

Twitter: @EkyShirley

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Male or Female Kids via @Topsyken #NHBi S3W8

In the 21^st century world we live in a social innovation like what is offered via #NHBi is possible, connecting thousands of micro blogging users via the internet to discuss issues, learn and connect. But what with when 18^th century ideologies, bias and misconceptions

are not done away with, notions carried by the seemingly educated that defies the logic of the education they claim to possess.  Ironically, this seem to be the case in our world today and particularly on the African continent where the male child is considered superior to the female child and the female less deserving of inheritance, parental care and attention, a chance at schooling and thus is banished to a life dedicated to servitude and child bearing.

Welcome to this week’s review of #NHBi where we had the topic ‘Male or Female Kids’ and we had as our guest Tope Aigba, @Topsyken. As always with our guest Tope drew from some personal experience and narrated how shortly after marriage, her father-in-law had told her that she must give him a male child as her first. And she says she couldn’t help thinking ‘Na me dey make pikin?’ and says she knew enough to know that it was the man who ‘determines’ the sex of the child.

“As God will have it, my first child happened to be a boy. Come and see celebrations oh. Enough pepper rest on top say ‘Mama na boy o’”

Tope told of a woman she met at the gynecologist who had already had 3 daughters and was begging the doctor that she was willing to do anything to have a male child, she was desperate owing to pressure from her husband’s family and the Doctor too, sensing her desperation began to feel all important ‘as if he is God that gives children’.  There was also the story of a man who scolded his wife publicly shortly after she was delivered of a baby girl, their third. The woman wept bitterly and the man walked out on her in annoyance. The man, who happened to be a Pastor, returned shortly after, after a conviction from the Holy Spirit, apologized to his wife, demanded to see the baby and ‘blessed the child from the depth of his being’. They decided to put a stop to child bearing after that but ‘God surprised them with a pregnancy and in delivery, it was a boy’.

Tope says that the choice of having children or not is the prerogative of the couple and whatever their decision they should try as much as possible not to allow external influences.

Much of Africa still remains a very traditional society despite our pretense to all things western. Thus notions such as the importance of the male child over the female is still very wide spread, the most widely held belief for this belief is the continuity of a man’s lineage.  What we might want to quickly bear in mind is that for one, I and maybe you really do not care about some great-grandfather who lived 600 years old and whose name you bear as surname, but are more interested in surviving, meeting set life goals and living the rest of your life in peace. How many minutes in a day do you spare to think about your ancestors whose name you bear. So when today, someone goes off about wanting male children to continue his lineage you might want to realize, 200 years from now, that would be the least important things to the yet unborn children, and great grandchildren.

As far as procreation goes, there is only so much the human can control. The rest is left to biology, science and the all powerful invisible hand of God. During the discussion, as our guest mentioned, men are actually responsible for the gender of a child. Men bear the X and Y chromosomes; women bear the X and X chromosomes. So what this basically means is that if the man’s Y meets the woman’s X, they would bear a male child. If his X meets her X, they would bear a female. When a couple is desperate to have a certain gender of child, they could be exposed to all manner of hearsays that would allegedly help them conceive their choice gender. What is the craziest you have heard? I for one have heard that a couple should have sex in the afternoon for a male child, or face north for a male child while lovemaking. These myths would only serve to further frustrate the couple when they do not work because they are not in any way scientifically proven.

But then, what does it matter the sex of your child? Does it make it any less your child? It is understandable that for certain altruistic reasons someone might want a certain gender of child for example, being raised in an all male household might spark the desire of female children, and vice versa, but where we get it wrong, as husbands, or wives, or in-laws is when we blame the woman, or even the man for their inability to conceive of a certain gender. What a child is going to be, is less determined on his sex and hinged more on the training, care and attention he or she receives and the support to pursue his or her life goals and dreams. There are female pilots as well as there are male pilots. There are female actors as well as there are male actors. Gender shouldn’t stop a child from getting the love he deserves and shouldn’t determine how far the child could go.

Angry at your spouse, your in-laws or God for having a boy when you wanted a girl, or ‘refusing’ o give you a boy and rather blessing you with a chain of girls is just petty and a frailty of our human nature. So do we want to rise above them or not?

Lots of stories and experiences came up during the discussion, all too many to put in here. But here are some selected tweets that give insights to the shade of the discussion

@LanreAA: I always hoped for sons because I don’t understand women and I want to understand my kids.

@finegurl: I thank my parents for raising us to be solid individuals regardless of our gender. I was a full tomboy. No time.

@geny_awoke: Now d X chromosome moves slow, is stronger and survives for a long time while d Y is faster and dies off quickly… The best time to meet your wife if u really want to have a male child is during ovulation. Because that’s when you’re sure that there is an egg waiting to be fertilized and since d Y chromosome is faster is gets there first. Once fertilization takes place then you have a male child but when you meet your wife prior to ovulation the Y get there first finds no egg and dies off while d X takes its time and when it get there maybe in few days it meets the egg and then u have a female child

@Lilysville: Life happens when we are busy making plans, male or female, children are gifts from God.

@bimbolanko: There is no crime in craving a Male or a Female child. Just don’t be stupid about it.

@amasonic: One reason I’ve heard so many times for desiring a son is so that ‘family name won’t die’. Does that mean the Obama name will die?

@KoloKennethK: I want a girl to adore, but I want boys to hang out with.

@madamedemadame: If you have a boy or a girl, be thankful. Many are still looking for the fruit of the womb.

Interesting stuff I tell you. That’s the much we can take here. Keep a date with us same time next week. God bless.

Caleb Olorunmaiye

#NHBiReview Must He Spend Before I Say Yes? S3W6

When our host Mark Amaza, @amasonic announced the guest and topic for this week’s discussion of the show, Tony Atambi, @TonyAtambi predicted a ‘full scale war…will last 3 days’.

Welcome guys to another round up of yet another entertaining week on #NHBi. Our guest this week was the delectable Tolulope ‘Tols’ Akinsola @yelecapri10, and the topic was ‘Must He spend before I say yes?’

In true #NHBi spirit, it was fireworks from the get go. Our guest started by saying, if she were asked, her answer would be ‘No’. Her reasons? Well she says ‘I like to know that I wasn’t ‘bought’ into a relationship’. Pretty much straightforward I must say. She told the story of a ‘brother’ who was knocking down her door, asking her to date him. Her mother liked him, and so did her sisters who thought he was intelligent. For most guys it’s usually easy street from here on, our ‘brother’ figured he’d sweeten the deal further and threw in gifts of gold bracelet.

She refused it. A wristwatch came thereafter, same thing, turned down. She says she liked him, but the gifts were making her feel like she was being bribed and her answer depended on the gifts. Long story short, she never dated him and that particular incidence modeled her dating philosophy, for her, you don’t have to spend before she says yes to you. She asks, ‘What happens when he stops spending? Will you undo your yes?’

‘Money shouldn’t define your relationship. If it does it would be the only thing that matters through it.’ She adds.

By this time the sparks were flying already and everyone tuned in had an opinion on the topic.

And whether the shots were subliminals or fired directly, there was plenty of truth in a lot that was said and of course there was a good dose of the hilarious.

From this writer’s point of view, it seems almost natural for a man to spend for the woman in the process of wooing. Women on some primal level are a tad materialistic and are wired to measure how well a man would look after her and her foals, by how he spends during the wooing process. The money or the gifts may not be the main attraction but when it comes down to it, is he a spender or a thriftier? Is he a giver or a taker? Women would expect gifts from you, not because their love is for sale or it depends on it, but to some extent a man who showers gifts in the wooing process exhibits some form of charm and suave which is what they expect to see from a man they consider worth having them. But again depends on what the man is buying. A bottle of groundnut is one thing, a romantic calligraphy written love letter is another.

Many women would still say yes to a frugal man, but at least they entered into the relationship knowing what sort of man he is and knowing what to expect and what not to.

Must he spend before I say yes? Every woman’s expectations are different and so are their standards. But it’s important for men not to use the money bait as a deal maker for women.

There is the kind of woman that you attract when money is the sole form of attraction. Some men are shy and timid; suffer from inferiority complex, perhaps because of a lack of say university education, and having come upon some money throw it endlessly at women with no chill whatsoever. For every kind of women you want, a different kind of bait s necessary.

You wouldn’t want to use money as bait for a woman you expect to be loyal and faithful, what happens when you run out of some and can’t keep up with the lifestyle you have gotten her used to?

When a man spends, the intent is to say loud and clear ‘I will take care of you’. It says ‘I just want you to know, if it ever comes down to it, while you are with me, some things will be well within reach.’ What he spends on shows how much he has, or how he thinks. For example, 200 level boy asking 100 level girl out, he buys her a phone casing. ‘Hey I noticed your phone casing is pretty much worn out, I figured I’ll just get you a new one that would make it look a lot nicer.’

What does this prove? He notices the little things. And isn’t it the little things that they say are the most important. A phone casing won’t necessarily make the girl say yes. But it makes more sense than buying her a gold necklace instead.

The way and manner a man spends on a girl he is asking to date him should be handled delicately. Some things at that point are absolutely not your responsibility. If you throw money carelessly, you’ll become a maga!

Cue in theme music of the day One Naira – M.I Ft Waje

#NHBi was the 1st ranked trend in Nigeria well into the early hours of the next morning. Here are selected tweets from the discussion. Enjoy. See you next week. God bless

@nykelodeon: Love language for Nigerian babes is MONEY! Simple

@RoyalAmebo: Well, I think we should be realistic. I’m a lady. Truly, money can’t buy love but it would boost the ‘cgpa’

@StNaija: Different women have different love languages. Pouring gifts on a service-loving woman is a waste.

@segelegend: A bit of everything is needful in wooing her, money being an integral part

@madamedemadame: Must money be the answer? Must you place the whole load of finance on your boyfriend? Una no get papa?

@KoloKennethK: To all the girls collecting and letting the guys linger, there is a special line for you on judgment day

@nisots: If I do like him and I know I can date him he doesn’t need money or gifts to get a yes. If I like you I like you, if I don’t I don’t.

@baybeekween: in the end with all your spending if a girl doesn’t love you, you are just another Good Samaritan

Caleb Olorunmaiye (@_ceefour)

#NHBi Review: Must We Have Kids via @Kwamiadadevoh #NHBi #S3W4

Hello everybody. This week on #NHBi was all shades of adjectives. But the one that would stand out is ‘emotional’. The sensitive nature of the topic, the personal story of our guest which was tinged with sadness and joy and just that every one aired their views passionately from each’s own perspective made for indeed an emotional and very interesting episode of the show.

Our guest was Kwami Adadevoh, @Kwamiadadevoh and Kwami got off straight to telling his story. After he got married sometime in the 90’s, apparently the issue of how many children they were going to have had not come up with his wife prior, but he had set his mind on having just  one, she on having three. Where there was no bone of contention was that child bearing wouldn’t begin until 2 years after the wedding. In late 2000, she took in, months later under very unfortunate circumstances, they lost the baby. Then started the road to ‘recovery and rediscovery’ and then 6 months down the line, the wife was pregnant again. Good news yes? Not until the baby was born still born.

He broached the subject of adoption, and she was vehemently against it. As expected, it became a very tense period in their lives and marriage. Getting back to life as normal was the plan, the ghost of the lost babies hung in the air, making everything else seem anything but normal. And while he brought up adoption again and she was indeed beginning to consider it, on the morning they were set to visit one of the orphanages, wife began to throw up, turns out they were pregnant again. He says: ‘And the product of that pregnancy, dear people, is a lovely young & very pretty Year 7 student today who has a handsome year 5 brother ‘

To answer the question that the show’s topic poses, he admits he probably is not qualified to say ‘No’ seeing that he has two lovely children, but after being faced with the possibility of not having any biological kids of his own he admits that it is ‘Tough!’

Now, without thinking it through, it seems pretty normal to begin to have children after you get married. Society expects it of you, family expects it of you, and your religion expects it of you. ‘Must we have kids?’ ‘Why not, if not?’ is what a soon to be bride might retort and add almost immediately ‘abi your kini is not working ni?’

On very practical terms, what are the reasons why a couple might decide not to have children? (a) The economy (b) Health reasons (c) Personality.

On the first point, with rampant unemployment and under employment, the attendant high cost of raising a child might make one seriously consider not having children in this economy. Penny wise. At least until the time is right if it ever is. On the second point, Sickle cell anemia still ravages millions of children in Africa. If by all means you want to spend your life with a certain person, but your genotypes point in the direction of possible SS kids by all means do not have children, and let’s not even talk about HIV. Thirdly, not everyone is primed for parenthood and the notion that associates womanhood with motherhood or children with happiness is wrong and archaic.

But if you must have kids and everything about your biology or your partners says no, a viable option is always adoption that is if the questions and pressure from extended family, church members and people of the world have not driven you insane in the first place. Here are some selected tweets from the discussion.

On Children:

@femiTRIPP: In Africa children are as important as the marriage itself. If not for you both at least for the extended family

@finegurl: All in all. Children are a source of Joy. Biological or adopted. God help us all.

@tinkizee: What kind of empty life will I have if I don’t have children??forget this western rhetoric,children complete u Biko.

@hartng: We live in a society where the clock starts ticking from your wedding reception. All eyes on wifey’s tummy henceforth

 

On Adoption:

@hellynux: Adoption is not a shameful thing. If you can’t have yours then by all means make another person’s yours and be happy.

@amasonic: Can’t resist this: I just do hope that Nigerians’ attitude towards adoption, on a general level, improves.

@p_pope: Adoption is far more common here than we are aware of, not just made public for fear of stigma.~orphanage volunteer.

@TS_tiana: Unlike your biological kids you’re compelled to care for, adoption can be done only out of a heart of pure love. That the beauty of it.

@i_am_dayob: The Nigerian hypocrisy when it comes to things like having kids (women hiding pregnancies), adoption (stealing kids) is sickening.

After all has been said and done, it’s important to consider these important points. Happiness in marriage should not depend on having children, biological or not. And where you want kids of your own, but simply can’t, for any of the one million reasons the doctors would give, adoption is still a very open option. There are already too many uncared for children in the world for you to be bent on having one of yours by all means, exposing yourself to psychological and emotional pain, not to talk of the vulnerability one is exposed to from family members and fraudsters, whether of the cloth or of the medicine.

Another wonderful edition of #NHBi and I implore you to follow the official twitter handle for the forum @Nhbiinteractive and keep up with the blog at www.nhbiinteractive.wordpress.com. See you next week. God bless.

Caleb Olorunmaiye.

 

#NHBi Review: S/He Can’t Cook. So What? via @rosanwo #NHBi #S3W3

Last week on #NHBi, like always we had a very interesting topic. ‘S/he can’t cook, so what?’ And our guest this week was Babatunde Rosanwo. An interesting topic because, get this, everybody loves food, with some even proclaiming to be foodies which even takes it a whole step further than just eating for diet or health. It becomes an art in this sense, a lifestyle if you may.

Rosanwo who had 45 minutes to share his opinion on the topic got off by saying that there were women who indeed did not know how to cook, barely knowing their way in and out of the kitchen. Men on the other hand didn’t seem required from time immemorial to have up to date culinary skills. These gender roles being pretty much already defined and largely accepted, there were no arguments, or asides, as to why it should be the role of the woman to cook, which I’m glad on behalf of everyone else that this didn’t happen. Our guest, however points out, the essence is not to marry a wife and then turn her into a cook, because women have their own careers.

And what is the excuse for women who can’t cook really? Rosanwo says this could be from ‘…not being taught at home, to caring so much about their nails.’ Hilarious really, but that’s how serious it gets.

On a personal note, Rosanwo makes it clear that he can’t date or marry a woman who cannot cook, himself being able to since he was 7. And while many people would say ‘don’t discuss cooking, it’s not relevant’ for him ‘to date or marry is a choice, hence its relevance’.

Seeing food doesn’t just have hunger quenching purposes of course the health implications are worth brining up and Rosanwo notes this in that it’s healthier to eat at home(home cooked meals that is, not takeaways) rather than eating about town. He says: ‘These days children’s dietary habits have shifted from healthy foods to fast foods cos cooking at home is a myth’

But of course many women would claim their man do not mind that they can’t cook, Rosanwo says do not be deceived ‘the day Sade gives them some fish stew at work, you are gone’. Fish stew. Hmm. Too pregnant with meaning if you ask me. But so that he isn’t just accused of making mere assumptions, our guest hits his point home with a story from as close as home. His Aunt, elegant top class lady has he called her, got married, didn’t know how to cook, but hey, no worries, there were 3 cooks at her beck and call, and they were on point too. Years down the line, it’s the couple’s wedding anniversary and the cooks, resorting to some sort of conspiracy decide to just pack up and leave. ‘6 hours to dinner time nothing was ready…Aunt just sat in the kitchen crying.’ Her husband’s boss and business partners were supposed to come over for the anniversary dinner. In his words ‘My aunt could not boil eggs, talk more of making dinner for 8 guests on her wedding anniversary… Aunt placed a call to her husband to cancel the dinner at home, they eventually settled for a restaurant in Ikeja. And that happened to be the beginning of nagging experience for husband & wife.’

Maybe because he declared that he has taught 4 women how to cook or because he said he has been cooking since 7 but Fadekemi Agarau, remember her from last week, had done some shopping for Rosanwo already and declared ‘@rosanwo declare your marital status abeg, I get wife for you’.  And what did he have to say? ‘Ladies, I can cook but I am taken. I have been offered another level of grace.’ Pretty much settles yea, but then, more than ample proof to the point Rosanwo made when he said ‘I hear it is sexy for a man to cook for his lady, so men go learn how to make things happen in the kitchen and not just the bedroom.’ But on this topic, women were the ones getting the most words, and there was more from Rosanwo ‘Being able to cook gives a lady some leverage & control over certain decisions in a relationship. Go find out’

‘To round up, I won’t date/marry a lady who can’t cook. It’s not a fantasy; I will cook for her cos she can also do same.’ – Babatunde Rosanwo, 2013.

While, Rosanwo tweeted, as expected, the reactions poured in from the get go in a flurry. At the end of the night #NHbi was trending #10 in Nigeria, #1 in Lagos.

@sisi_yemmie: Good cooking is a value you can add to your relationship… Why is this such a big issue lately?

@reminola: I love, love, love cooking for my husband. It gives me joy to take care of him.

@madamedemadame: someone somewhere has prepared efo riro for your husband and you are here forming ‘cooking o matter’

@roldrein: but when I meet the right lady, mehn cooking would be aside ooh…its all about her xracter not her food.

@nnyeka: i cook cos i want to, dont expect me to massage palm kernel 4 banga soup whle u shout up ManU..it cant work

The discussion continued late into midnight, with such passion that no one could have anticipated, and taking on a slightly new head of its own; whether a woman can cook or not, a man would still cheat. Of course the views were diverse and wide but a solid constant that remained was that it is important a woman knows how to cook, not just for her husband, but for herself and her dignity. A woman’s cooking skills is what among many other things, makes her desirable, if it is absent it tells badly on her and the home where she comes from. And let’s say she is still single, awaiting the right man to come for her hand in marriage, perhaps would she not be required to prepare meals for her parents, or would her aged mothers back have to give way in the kitchen. Besides, what do mothers have to pass on to daughters these days, take away the cooking and its almost nothing else, seeing as most girls have rather made the internet, and social media the grounds for learning their own brand of morality and character.

Don’t forget to join us again next week Wednesday, 9pm. It promises to be a wonderful one.

Follow our guest for the week on twitter, Babatunde Rosanwo, @rosanwo and the host of the show Mark Amaza @amasonic.

You can also follow the official handle of the show, @nhbinteractive.

Caleb Olorunmaiye

@_Ceefour

Image credits: http://www.survivingdating.com